Pink & Blue Mummyland

Pink and blue parenting through pink and blue moods….

Sinking

on June 17, 2015

Depression.  It creeps up so slowly, like a thief of joy, evilly stealthy. It subtly affects my decision making and socialising. Writing ceases as I have less and less to say. And then, at some point, it becomes so obvious that I wonder how I couldn’t have noticed earlier.

Depression takes the world and adds a touch of black to every colour, greying it into a slightly dead looking place. It muffles noise, making it hard to hear the encouragement and joy of other people. It puts a barrier between me and my life – I’m one step removed from everything, and my inner autopilot takes over.

I sit in the window of a coffee shop, trying and failing to write. I watch the world go by, seeing friends greeting each other, and wonder who else is putting a brave face on the fact that walking is hard work.

I got stuck in the gym earlier. I was in the changing room getting ready to go, and forgot what I was doing. I sat for five minutes, holding my sweater, trying to remember what to do with it. I look at things and it takes me too long to see them. I can’t keep up with the world, and I miss the days of hypomania when the world couldn’t keep up with me.

I don’t know whether this episode is going to be a short lived one, or whether I’m in for months of battling. That’s the bitch with bipolar. You can never tell. I hope and pray it will be a short blip and I’ll be fine in a few days or weeks. I hope and pray I can get through it on my own, without making miserable the lives of those around me. I hope and pray for the ability to keep hoping and praying.

Day by day. Hour by hour. Step by step, until the colour comes back.

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One response to “Sinking

  1. Abbie, I just want to say how helpful your comments on my 7/7 on Facebook were. Sue

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