Pink & Blue Mummyland

Pink and blue parenting through pink and blue moods….


on June 17, 2015

Depression.  It creeps up so slowly, like a thief of joy, evilly stealthy. It subtly affects my decision making and socialising. Writing ceases as I have less and less to say. And then, at some point, it becomes so obvious that I wonder how I couldn’t have noticed earlier.

Depression takes the world and adds a touch of black to every colour, greying it into a slightly dead looking place. It muffles noise, making it hard to hear the encouragement and joy of other people. It puts a barrier between me and my life – I’m one step removed from everything, and my inner autopilot takes over.

I sit in the window of a coffee shop, trying and failing to write. I watch the world go by, seeing friends greeting each other, and wonder who else is putting a brave face on the fact that walking is hard work.

I got stuck in the gym earlier. I was in the changing room getting ready to go, and forgot what I was doing. I sat for five minutes, holding my sweater, trying to remember what to do with it. I look at things and it takes me too long to see them. I can’t keep up with the world, and I miss the days of hypomania when the world couldn’t keep up with me.

I don’t know whether this episode is going to be a short lived one, or whether I’m in for months of battling. That’s the bitch with bipolar. You can never tell. I hope and pray it will be a short blip and I’ll be fine in a few days or weeks. I hope and pray I can get through it on my own, without making miserable the lives of those around me. I hope and pray for the ability to keep hoping and praying.

Day by day. Hour by hour. Step by step, until the colour comes back.


One response to “Sinking

  1. Abbie, I just want to say how helpful your comments on my 7/7 on Facebook were. Sue

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