Pink & Blue Mummyland

Pink and blue parenting through pink and blue moods….

About Me

Until 2010 years ago, my life looked pretty sorted. I had a husband, a gorgeous daughter, a home we loved and even owned some of, and A Ministry. Having struggled through my teens and early twenties with a veritable cauldron of issues – eating disorders, self-harm, and varying other damaging pastimes – I reached that magical place we call RECOVERY. What this looks like in Christian circles is that you don’t do any of the visibly damaging things you used to do, and you write a book about it. Secret Scars came out in 2007, and led to the standard selection of speaking gigs, where I enjoyed a period of limited celebrity as ‘that self-harm girl’. I trained as a counsellor and set up a website, because it seemed to be the thing to do, and became party to many people’s secret existences, where ‘normal’ lives are possible because of what happens behind closed doors. Everything looked exactly as it was supposed to.

At the cold end of 2010, MicroBob came to join us, and for four beautiful weeks our lives were complete. The four of us sat in front of the fire, me nursing MicroBob, The Cable Guy reading stories to MiniMe, thanking God for our perfect little world.

Then Post natal depression (PND) hit – hard. I was lower than I’d been in years, and it took a lot of friends and nearly as many drugs to get me back to anything like functioning over the next year or so. After six months of relative stability, depression hit again – just in time for a six week summer holiday with two small children. Six months later, the same again. Christmas 2012 was blurry, as we upped and upped the antidepressants with no effect until January, during which I swung into hypomania and was referred – for the third time since MicroBob’s birth – to a psychiatric consultant, who tentatively diagnosed Bipolar Disorder type 2, a diagnosis that was confirmed in April 2013.

Our cosy life, and my nice little ministry, have been decimated by bipolar disorder. The ups and downs, although not as extreme as some sufferers, have been horrific. Medication has alternately improved the symptoms to a functioning level and wiped me out completely. I still don’t really know where I am in the turmoil of symptoms and side effects. I still live in fear of the lows and the highs. Hypomania itself can be fun, but the coming down is a bitch – in January I had hideous week caught between the pink and the blue where my thoughts were still as fast as the high, but saying all the things that characterise the low. Feeling like shit is bad enough, but feeling it three times as fast is an experience I live in fear of going through again.

At the moment I seem to be sitting on a plateau – the mood stabilisers are doing their job. “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself” (Matthew 6v34) is a scripture I have to spend all my energy on believing. The Bible’s favourite promising command not to be afraid is a daily battle.

Writing has always been a life saver for me. I do each day holding my breath until I can exhale through pen on paper. Exhalation via blog is my newest addiction – there is something comforting in solidarity, and blogs are an excellent connector of people. Breathe out by blogging, breathe in other people’s comments and related posts, and, as a favourite song of Phoebe’s in the sit-com Friends, “Lather, rinse, repeat…as needed.”


2 responses to “About Me

  1. I have nominated you for a Liebster Award. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to read the nomination post (below) and share the love. I can not promise that your participation will grant you health or wealth. I will say, for me, it has been a pretty cool way to connect with other bloggers. And, since I’ve been accepting awards, no unsightly warts have appeared on my body.

    Congratulations. And keep up the good work.

    Now, if you are so led, you may go here —

  2. sakuraandme says:

    Oh I hear and feel you. I have Bipolar 2, OCD, Anxiety and mood disorder, and BPD. I think they threw the book at me! LMAO Hypomania is my reprieve. Lol You know what I mean. What goes up…must come down! sadly!! 🙂

    Hang in there, once the meds get all sorted things/life tends to get that little bit easier. Thanks for stopping by my blog. Take care of you, Paula xxxx

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