Pink & Blue Mummyland

Pink and blue parenting through pink and blue moods….

Storms

on August 5, 2014

This is an oscillating internal dialogue between suicide and hope. You’ll be glad to know, it ends with hope. But if it’s a subject likely to trigger you in any way, please open another tab and find something – anything – supportive and uplifting.

There are times when I feel like I can’t carry on. Depression is so wearing, and the side effects of the drugs supposed to control it make me wonder why I bother with them. MiniMe and MicroBob – those two amazing little people I gave life to and would give my life for – hardly raise a smile, and grate on my nerves, driving me to distraction and causing undeserved shouting in their direction. My darling Cable guy stands alongside, knowing and worrying without really understanding, and wonderful friends do chores and provide tissues, hoping this is a phase that will pass soon. I hope too, but the world is just too painful and life is just too hard. Sometimes life feels like death, and death seems like peace, and all I want to do is quietly slip away.

Of course, there is no quietly slipping away – however you go, a huge tidal wave follows in your wake. It’s not like a party where you can sneak out the back door and nobody notices. Making an active decision to ends one’s own life has repercussions that go far beyond the black suits and eulogies. As much as you try to persuade people that there was nothing they could have done, and that you love them and don’t want to leave them, at the end of the day they are left with nothing but guilt and a tear stained note. Suicide is messy.

But the idea of death runs amok in my head. I sometimes wish that I could die in some completely blameless way, so that everyone around me can grieve and move on. And there are times when I feel angry at my wonderful little family, because they are the reason I can’t end it all now. I have to tell myself constantly that it will get better, that it’s worth fighting through the dark days.

But although there is one aspect of all this which seems like pointless semantics, it is actually more important than it is possible to state: There is a difference between wanting to die and being suicidal.

Not wanting to face the world tomorrow isn’t the same as actively wanting to end it all permanently. That isn’t to say that things aren’t bad – life feels hopeless at the moment, and I can’t imagine it ever changing. I feel hemmed in and trapped, and feel like a small child wanting to throw myself on the floor and say “I just can’t do it any more!” But while I can keep the difference in my mind, there is hope.

There’s this story I know. It’s about a man who had to do something he didn’t want to do, despite knowing that it was his very purpose. His name is Jesus, and lots of people who talk about him will tell you about a Sunday, when he rose from the dead and made sin a thing that never need stain us again, and provided the gateway to a Heaven unimaginable and a Father infinitely loving. It’s an amazing story.

But how many people hear the story of the Thursday before, when this man threw himself down and wept and sobbed and shouted “I just can’t do it! Please don’t make me! I can’t face it!” Even knowing that his next action would save every single person from death, changing the world beyond recognition, doing away with all that comes between a sinful people and a holy God, this man Jesus said all the things to his father that I am saying every minute of every day.

Jesus didn’t want to carry on with the Father’s plan for his death, but he did it. I don’t want to carry on with my Father’s plan for my life, but each day, hour, minute, second, I do it. Likening my situation to that of Jesus feels like a huge supposition, but I can carry on by telling myself that, if nothing else, He knows how I feel.

And after every Thursday, there always comes a Sunday, however long it takes.

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10 responses to “Storms

  1. Thank you for that Abbie. Two friends have committed suicide in the last year.I needed to read this today.

  2. Lynda says:

    This is an excellent post. Your honesty and insight are very helpful. And the distinction you make between being suicidal and wanting to die is really important. When I am depressed I sometimes find myself wanting to die but I have rarely been suicidal (just once years ago and I got help)

    I love the way you highlight how Jesus also didn’t feel he could carry on with the task before him on the Thursday before Easter. I have never seen that before. Just so refreshing and I am so glad I read it today. Bless you.

  3. Lynda says:

    Sorry if this is a second comment I am not sure that the first one worked or not but I want to leave one as this is such a good post.

    Your honesty and insights are very helpful. I love the way you point out how is Jesus felt on the Thursday before Easter. I had never seen that before but you are right. So often I condemn myself for my emotions but it is not sinful to have emotions no matter what they are. God is a god of love who wants to help us work through our emotions to a place of hope and peace. And he has infinite patience to do this.

    God bless you for this post

  4. James Annal says:

    As someone who has bipolar it’s always been an internal dialogue between the darkest most destructive parts of the human mind and rationality. I realised after doing things to harm myself that these destructive thoughts were just my irrational fears. And so when I went to university and education filled the empty void that booze and fags had previously filled I learned to reason with myself. And therefore my relationship with God became better because he could deal with an intelligent reasoning person not a thick clod. Of course I’m not saying depression sufferers are thick clods at all..or in anyway stupid, they are thinking reasoning intelligent lovely people.

  5. MariHoward says:

    Moving, and a bit reminiscent as well. It’s so sad when Mummy can’t ‘enjoy’ her children. I so hope you get further help with your depression. The drugs can be beastly. The talking therapies can sound meaningless! Thankfully mental illness is less and less thought of, in church circles, as sinful or a result of ‘sin’ – which was a very unhelpful and wrong stance there used to be. Keep going, there. Keep finding hope in Christ.

    • Abbie Robson says:

      Thank you for the encouragement. This post is from last year, and I am much better now, and my bipolar is much more effectively managed. I’m currently writing a book about mental health and the church, and it’s great to know that churches are changing their mind sets around mental illness.

  6. Lynda says:

    I was able to pass on to someone else this afternoon that lovely bit about Jesus and how he felt on the Thursday before Easter. This person was very blessed by it and had I not read this post I would not have known to say that. Thank you again

  7. I also loved the bit about Jesus on the Thursday before Easter. Thank you for this beautiful post. I think your book about mental health and the church sounds very interesting and needed.

  8. […] During this past month, in response to World Suicide Prevention Day, I shared a blog post that some of you may have read (if you haven’t, it’s here). […]

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